We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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