I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
