thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So I just went to clothing optional bar
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
