Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
