..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
