guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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