i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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