Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
