i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
