Redeem this text for a blowjob
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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