I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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