I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
