Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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