i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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