Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
