guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
