strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
