you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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