My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Just pee around me
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
