You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
