i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
worst night to have a conscience
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
