new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
