did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
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