hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
