dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
