god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
