dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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