I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
