like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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