my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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