At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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