I faked an abortion last night.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
i think i just lost a toe
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
