Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
