Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
