I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I can text with my tongue
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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