i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
