I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
