maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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