Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
They have beer where we have blood.
Randomize
