I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
