if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize