He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
