all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
