just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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