I bet he comes in French.
dude i'm inner monologue high
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
