i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
