She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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