I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
