Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
