im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
is wine microwaveable?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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