yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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